Astrology For Teh Win!

Symbol for Spaghittarius, one of the twelve astrological signs.

I’ve had it with science and plan to convert this site to be completely about astrology. Astrology (as Wikipedia puts it: “Not to be confused with Astronomy.”) is a shortcut to the truth. After all, if the truth is in the stars (“De Trut Is Uit Daar” as we paraphrase the tagline from The X-Files in Dutch), gathering and analyzing data is no longer required. Therefore, writing about astrology will greatly diminish the time that I need for writing articles for this site.

There are two kinds of astrologers.

The first kind is the people that don’t really believe in it themselves. These are the people that write horoscopes for magazines and papers. They are fakers that are just after your money. After all, you know as well as I do that most people would immediately stop buying their favorite magazine if it wasn’t for the horoscope at the end. Also, you know that these people are just making stuff up, since they don’t even know your exact birthday, let alone the exact time of your birth (down to the nearest millisecond; after all, the planet Mars, for example, moves 24 m each millisecond, so this level of accuracy is clearly essential).

The second kind is the people that warmly care for you, and spend every waking moment studying hard to give you the best possible view of your future. They’ve also learned to master intricate systems like Tarot cards (as Wikipedia puts it: “whatever cards are dealt to the participant will be revelatory of his current psychological dilemma”; you can’t argue with that, now can you?). They go through the trouble of setting up camp at your local fair, which is, let’s face it, not really the solemn setting that astrology deserves, it being a general source of truth and all. These people are real astrologers. The fees that they charge are minimal. They would rather not charge you anything at all, but then they would need to have a real job, and would have less time for studying astrology and for improving their view of your future.

Filling the pages of this site with astrology will simplify my work, and help you, my readers, to have a fulfilling life. I can’t fathom why I dealt with that science thingy for so long… Also, when I submit my next paper (after these ones), I plan to ask for reviewers with a compatible astrological sign, since I don’t see why these things should be left to chance. Astrology tell us everything we need to know.

[update] This was an April Fools’ joke, posted on 1 April 2013…